What’s the Matter with Antimatter? Newly Discovered “Particle” Said to Contain Both

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Ever since the so-called Enlightenment, pseudo-scientists worldwide have feverishly searched for smaller and smaller particles—seemingly oblivious to the fact that particles don’t really exist … except to the extent they’re just momentarily suspended waves in an ever-changing, vibrational, holographic sea, duh.

Now the high priests of pseudo-science, otherwise known as the religion of scientific materialism, claim to have discovered—through mathematical constructs that exist only in their brains—a particle that is so tiny it verges on the realm of nonexistence itself.

This newest figmentary particle, nicknamed the “oblivicon” by lead researcher Dr. Ben Dover of the American Institute for the Study of Meaningless Phenomena that Cost a Heck of a Lot to Study (AISMPCHLS), may, in fact, be a fiction made of two other fictions: matter and antimatter.

“The discovery of oblivicon just blew me away,” said Dr. Dover, who, when pressed, admitted to having first intuited the existence of this “particle” during a psychedelically inspired lucid dream. “It’s, like, the biggest discovery since, like, bitcoin.”

The traditional (as in, dating back a few years) view of matter and antimatter is that the two inevitably cancel out each other upon approach. But the existence of the oblivicon, in which matter and antimatter are thought to coexist peacefully, could radically shift our understanding—not just of the universe, but of ourselves.


 “It’s really quite simple,” explained Dr. Dover while humming a bar from Elvis Costello’s “What So Funny ’bout Peace, Love & Understanding?” “God is love. We are God. Therefore, we are love and have within us the ability to reconcile opposites.”

The new oblivicon “particle,” or rather its “signature,” magically appeared in a jar of Peter Pan creamy peanut butter inside a superconductor, a fancy-named substance in which other fictitious particles, known as electrons, are said to be able to move about without resistance.

Normally, peanut butter (even the smoother varieties) short-circuits superconductors, but not this time. “It was a miracle,” conceded Dr. Dover. “A tasty and nutritious gift from the Creator.”

As for the controversial finding of the oblivicon, pseudo-scientists, while conceding that only its signature has been detected so far, insist that if it isn’t the real thing, it’s a highly convincing forgery.

The finding could be useful (if this word may be permitted) in creating GMO peanut butter to feed the Third World’s starving and disease-ridden populations that Golden Rice, despite all the hype, failed to properly nourish.

Other possible uses include fabrication of quantum diapers, electrified orgy butter for use by elite pedophiles, and even more complex algorithms on Wall Street for siphoning off the wealth of the world’s middle class through fraudulent derivatives.

The oblivicon might also serve as yet another distraction created by the so-called scientific community to keep us from inventing and implementing things that really matter to anyone, anywhere.

Copyright © Sol Luckman. All Rights Reserved.


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